Danza Mania
by MzBionic
Summary: **RATED M FOR MASSIVELY RIDICULOUS**  What happens when two snarky females go on the internetz? Well they come up with this crackfic that's what! Must give credit where it's due: THIS ENTIRE CRACKFIC RESTS ON THE LINE OF A F*CKTABULOUS CHICKY- Minna Koda
1. Danza What!

****~Unless you plan on changing the E to an A I am not Stephenie~****

**A/N: **Thank fkn you to everyone who will read this Crackfic on Steroids.

It's my first attempt so don't kill me (ya hear?)

It's all thanks to the snarky bitch who is muh sistah and the AMA-ZA-ZING that is Dandiegoose!

Have fun?

Emmett POV

God I love sex.

Sex with Rosie is great but after seventy something years… A man just needs a little change.

Not saying Rosalie isn't a good lay… I mean, fuck, the woman knows how to make a vampire need rest after a couple rounds. And, to think, my shit is supposed to just keep going.

Thank fucking god I have brothers to talk to about this…

Well, I have to actually talk to Jasper; I can just make Eduardo 'hear' about it.

I know Jasper and Alice are into some kinky fuckery. So of course I asked him if there was anything he could think of. And without fucking fail, Alice just knows what we're up to. She pops into the "man den," as we like to call it, to tell us about a site called urbandictionary (dot) com.

Now, why in the fuck we actually listened to her, I don't fucking know. But there was Eddie-boy pulling the site up on the projector screen so Jazz and I didn't have to get off of the fucktastically comfortable couch.

"Hey, Edbitch, look up 'superman that ho.'" I have ALWAYS wanted to see what other people think of that ridiculous phrase. I mean what the fuck Soulja Boy? And seriously, why in the fuck is your name Soulja Boy? Did your parents not take pity on your ass and get you hooked-on-phonics?

Eddie-boy reads out loud, "When you cum on a girl's back and then stick the sheets to her, so when she wakes up in the morning she has a cape."

I start guffawing because not only is this funny to me but mood boy sitting next to me is chorkling so damn hard he can't control his emotions.

"Hey Virgin Eddie, why don't you look up 'donkey punch', I'm sure Bella will appreciate that as much as Rose did."

Of course I'm fucking with the kid. What? You think I've never been on the internet? I'm the fucktabulous one of the freaking adopt-a-family; I keep up with the times. I wasn't the most popular kid in high school for the past sixty years for no reason. Fuck, being a jock AND being able to joke around (not to mention being muscular enough that no one screws with me) has its advantages, and I fully accept them.

Being the fucking boring twat he is Ed responds by telling me that he needs no help in the love department, especially from me.

Pffffffft, like that boy knows a cunt from a clit.

So I loudly think that donkey punching is when you're fucking doggy style, about to cum, and you smack the chick in the back of the head so her shit tightens even more.

Then, I tell Ed to look up 'love custard', and think at him that it's soooooo worth looking up.

When I hear Ed the man-child pipe up with a 'WHAT THE HELL, EMMETT', I can't fucking believe this guy is married. Poor fucking Bella… If Rose wouldn't kick my ass for it, I'd show that girl a good time.

I see a stapler fly by my head. I guess Eddie isn't too worked up over baby gravy to not hear my thoughts. Oops.

So, of course, you can't look up love custard without seeing what a jam donut is. And of course because I am thinking about this, Whimpward doesn't want to look it up. But two against one (Jazz hates that the Prissy Pants can read his fucking thoughts) so I see the definition for jam donut pop up.

I start reading it out loud before Crybaby can even finish mentally reading it: 'Sexual act involving blood and semen. Shortly before creaming a girl in the face, you land a hard right hook straight in the kisser, preferably breaking her nasal bone in the process. The ensuing geyser of blood makes an ideal accompaniment for your love custard. For best results, make sure to use your hand to mix both together until an even, jam donut-like consistency is attained.'

What? Rosie likes it rough!

Once we're done cackling at Whimpy like a pair of delusional nuts, Jazz finally decides to contribute to this absurd search.

"Queerward, do me a favor and look up Tony Danza, so Emmett here will have new material. Then, we can quit this shit and start playing Cowboys and Indians."

**(.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.) (.)(.)**

"Rosie, wanna go at it like rabbits? I wanna play with my favorite pussy." I know- fucking vulgar thing to say, but I know what my lady likes. This is why I can't wait to try out the new move I learned.

My sex kitten is going to be giving me head nonstop to make up for what's going to be the best sex we've ever had.

Of course her fine ass is running past me, up the stairs and getting undressed before I even finish my sentence. I knew there was a fucking reason I wanted to spend my eternal life with this bitch.

I'm glad we've been together so damn long though because I don't have to do the pansy shit anymore. I know her buttons and I know what order to push them in order to have her ready for my monster cock.

Don't cock your fucking eyebrow and think I'm talking up the size of my cock. It's fucking huge.

When I was human, I had this bitch, Bebe. I swear only reason I fit in her muffbox was because she was the fucking town bicycle. When I call her that, I mean EVERYBODY got a fucking ride - boys, men, grandpas, virgins, and even the women who turned into lezbos because they couldn't get a fucking man.

Come to think of it, I'm damn fucking lucky Rosie doesn't know about that. She thinks this sausage, and when I say sausage I don't mean those puny little breakfast sausage links but a-man-would-feel-uncomfortable-at-the-deli-counter type of sausage, has been solely hers.

So when I get inside the doorway, I see her propped up on the bed, with her hair flipped over to one side covering one eye. She's supporting her upper body with her forearms while her legs are spread wide with her ass up in the air- just offering itself to me. Yep, her ass- which I had mentally been calling Tanya since I read that story about a manny- don't look at me like that. Yes, I read fan fiction, especially by this chick who claims to be an old ass virgin. I liked the name and Rosie doesn't like role-play so I gotta get my kicks somewhere, know what I mean?

So anyway, Rosie's sitting there wiggling Tanya at me like she's just ready to fucking take it. Even though she's pretty unbreakable, I don't like just ramming into her. She complains for hours afterward, learned that the hard way.

I walk up slowly (read: half vampire speed) while taking my clothes off and lean against the bed just staring at her.

I wonder if I should use my tongue or fingers first?

Without touching any other part of her body, I start tracing her cunt flaps and brush my knuckle against her tiny pebble of a clit; within seconds she's moaning at all different volumes. I quickly push my pointer middle and ring fingers in to get her ready for me (I told you I wasn't fucking kidding about my cock. Get that little 'o' of surprise off your face, fucktards.) and lean forward to flick my tongue on her clit- insta-mother fuckin-explosion. She loves it when I do it at an angle.

I'm fucking telling you- wanna get a chick all hot and bothered in no time? Lay at a 90 degree angle and flick her clit- she'll come undone in 5 seconds flat.

Her legs are shaking so bad she almost collapses from her big O and that's when I know she is ready to experience what will be the best sex we've ever had.

So I get my cock in line, grip her hips to keep Tanya from lowering and ram my kielbasa into her tight i-just-orgasmed-amazingly pussy and start going to town. Pumping harder, I start to feel her tighten up and I know that I have no more than a minute after her orgasm until I'll blow my own load.

I get geared up and ready to show her my new favorite move. Just as she's nearing the tip of her O iceberg I ask her "Who's the boss?" At first she doesn't respond, then I hear her barely whisper, "You are, Baby," in between her moans as she starts cumming so I smack her ass her and tell her "Tony Danza is the boss, bitch, show the man some respect," Which completely throws her. She starts to come back from the edge of the iceberg, so I turn up the heat, pumping harder and at more of an angle to get her right back to where I need her.

When she's starting to tighten I ask her again, "Who's the boss, Baby," to which she breathily responds "Tony Danza," -kinda makes me wonder if she's been looking shit up on the UD. I complete my new move by donkey punching her which causes her to tighten up like Fort Knox and I just fuckin lose it. When I finally roll off of her, she crawls over and straddles me then starts playing with my nipples.

I think I'm about to get some praise and the promise of amazing head- except that's not what she does. Instead, I get the worst double purple nurple in the history of titty twisters before she says "Damn it, Emmett! I thought I told you not to go on Urban Dictionary anymore!"

When she finally releases my poor abused nipples, (that bitch used all her fuckin strength) I say the first thing that pops into my head, "C'mon Rosie... I'm a fuckin vampire... it's not like I can give you the Cleveland steamer!"

Trying the Tony Danza was the worst mistake of my life, but hella awesome emotional baggage to use on Jizzper next time I see him. I bet Twatward was in on this shit too. Fuckin brothers, who in the fuck wants them?

**A/N: **Thanks for taking a ride on the crazy train. No offense to anyone regarding the snide remarks on Eddie Boy… I do love him.

You can blame Minna Koda for this little piece of crackfic shit, and thank your lucky stars that Dandiegoose had time to read over it!

I mean I know I'm a grammar freak and all…

But writing as Emmett? Pffffffft

I also want you all to know that I FUCKIN LOVE VIRGY! (that little bit was just cuz- no harm intended just plain unadultered secksy-time lovin')

I hope you all enjoyed the little crackpot that is my brain.

To all my h00rs: thanks in advance for the reviews *eyebrow wiggles*

Much Lubs- Mz_B


	2. Revenge is a dish best served with drugs

**A/N: **_Alright Ladies and Gents, _

_Welcome to round 2 of this horribly horrid crackfic._

_(I'd like to remind everyone that this fic was intended to be a one-shot but REVENGE IS A BITCH… Guess who's a bitch?)_

**Now I'd like to preface this by saying that while SM's vampires SPARKLE… Mine are susceptible to drugs. DEAL WITH IT!**

**Because guess what? I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT!**

_Minna Koda and Dandie Goose are fuckhawt bitches who deserve some amazing loving- long hard cocks that go all night._

_(Good enough? No? Yea, didn't think it would be, worth a try though!)_

_Dandie not only beta's this beast, but her and Minna supplied the other POV's._

_If anyone can figure out which one is which… You get a prize…_

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**Emmett POV**

Seriously- WHAT THE FUCK JAZZ? You're supposed to be the brother I can talk to anything about and not worry about repercussions!

Why in the hell would you steer me down the wrong path? I trusted you, you shit bag!

Rosie wouldn't let me get any for two whole fucking weeks! Wouldn't even let me fucking touch her! She made me listen through the fucking bathroom door as she went to town with 'ROBERT,' her fucking toy.

Who in the fuck names their dildo Robert? It's beyond me but what the fuck ever!

So after all that shit went down (Tony Danza and all) Rosie gave me the purple nurple from hell. When I say 'from hell,' I mean even a big bad vampire like me made surrender noises. Fuck that woman when she's pissed.

I fucking vowed when I could move my fucking arms again (Seriously! She bruised my fucking pecs when she did it) I would get revenge…

Well here it fucking goes… You and Eddie boy both fucking deserve it because I'm sure both of your pansy asses were in on it!

( . )( . ) XXX 8=====D~~~~

"Hey Eddie boy wanna help me out with something?" I swear I said it with my prettiest voice and even batted my insanely long eyelashes. (I know he fucking likes it when I do that- fucking homo.)

"I don't know, Em. Last time I tried 'helping' you out, I ended up in the dog house with Jake for a week. Know how much that canine wannabe stinks?"

Of fucking course I did. I was the one who had to be the fucking messenger when Twatward's pansy ass wouldn't communicate with 'the stank pack.' "Ed, I swear grow a fucking pair before I piss off Rosie and show you up by fucking your wife senseless." Another fucking piece of office equipment flew passed my head. No clue what- I had stopped paying attention by then.

"Just fucking look some more shit up for me, P….Puh….Pleee-ease?" Fuck. That was hard to say to this ball-less douche.

"Fine, what do you need, Neanderthal?" He said in one of those tones that would make Rosie proud.

"Well, I'd like to know what drug completely incapacitates someone for at least 15 minutes."

"And what you need to know that for?"

_Think of Rosie, think of Rosie, think of sex with Rosie._

"Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. I just wanna know."

"Fine, I'll do it this once, but you owe me."

_Haha! I owe you some sex advice… Poor Bella._

Another piece of fucking office equipment flew by my head. At this rate poor Esme would have to restock, or Fuckward would have to STOP LISTENING TO MY FUCKING THOUGHTS!

"No, Em, you'll have to clean you brain up a little. Flunitrazepam, also known as Rohypnol, is a date rape drug that has effects showing within approximately fifteen to twenty minutes of ingesting."

_Really? Fuck Yes!_

"Emmett, why do you want to know this?"

_Think Rosie's pussy. Think Rosie bent over the couch. Think Rosie in Fagward's bedroom._

This time he sent the chair flying towards my head. Too bad he's a slow guy, or I'd have half a head right now.

"No reason at all. Just looking to spice up my sex life, since Rosie and I have done it in every position in every room of this…" and here comes the computer monitor towards my head. "Geez, you spaz! Now no one can use the fucking internet!" Of course his uptight ass leaves because anger is not an 'acceptable' emotion for his repertoire.

Well goodie goodie! Jazz won't know what fucking hits him! My pal, Minna sent me this ridiculous link yesterday about this fish called a candirú, whatever the fuck that is. It looks painful enough.

While Jazz is having his 'meditation time,' no one is supposed to come within 100 feet of his gangly ass. But I just happen to need something from the kitchen—OOPS? I stick the drug Fagward looked up into his 'Jazz-Only' sweet blood (you know, sweet tea- without the tea). Fucking southerner til death, his 'tea' has to be eighty times sweeter than any sweet tea in the state of Washington.

Hopefully this shit works because I can't fucking wait to see the horror on this douche's face.

_**Thirty Minutes Later**_

Thank fucking God that douche drank more than a glass of his 'sweet tea'… I didn't know if 5 pills would affect one glass. Now he's passed out and Bella (the gullible girl that she is) took everyone to the movies to see some stupid fucking movie about sparkle fairies… oh, I mean vampires- seriously?

I don't fucking sparkle! Dumbass humans!

So Jazz and I stayed behind because he was soooo tired and I conveniently haven't fed in a few days- so according to Daddy C, I'm not fit to be in public.

I've got everything I need for this vendetta to go smoothly:

A bag full of human urine- don't fucking ask how I got it- I don't even want to touch this foul smelling shit and the candirú from South America. I had to call in some huge favors for that.

Jazz looks like a fucking kid while sleeping, curled around his body pillow- which is baby pink because the fag let Alice decorate- and sucking on his widdle thumb.

I can't fucking wait for this to go down! Fuck! I need to think of something else before oracle girl figures it out- she'll be pissed if douche is out of commission until Dr. Daddy C can fix his shit.

_Rosie's pussy. Rosie's pussy from behind. Rosie with a dick! WHAT? Geez I've been watching too much porn… fuckin' girls fucking girls with those strap ons! NOTHING COMPARED TO MY FUCKING BANANA!_

Okay, I can do this. Seeing my 'brothers' dick and having to touch it through gloves is nothing compared to no sex for two weeks. NOTHING! I can do this!

So I sidle up to the bedside and roll his scrawny pocket sized ass over to the end of the bed. I thank who the fuck ever that he wears only boxers to bed. I grab his doohickey (which can I gloat for a minute? It's at least 2 inches smaller than my goliath!) and lube it with some of that smelly yellow shit- in the hole and around it. I can't believe this fuck isn't waking up! Thank fucking god for those pill things I got off of Mike! That douche from the football team has ANYTHING you could ever want!

Slowly, I pour a bit of this smelly shit into the bag with the fish thing so it rides towards the top of the bag…

With a little maneuvering I get the fish near the opening of Jazz's Doogie Howser.

Thank fucking me because there was no way I was going to try again! I can't believe I've been around his bean pole this long without feeling like a flamer myself.

I stick around for a second longer just to make sure that shit took, and as soon as I see everything in place, I'm outta there.

I can't wait to hear the pixie shriek when she gets home for some lovin' time. Knowing her she'll think it's one of his 'spice up our sex life' stunts. Little does she know- that shit can't come out without surgery! Good bye sex life during healing!

Here's to hoping it's longer than two weeks!

( . )( . ) XXX 8=====D~~~~

**Penis Fish POV**

I was swimming happily in the river when suddenly I was caught in a net. Stupid fucking net.

AHHHHHH! A GIANT HAND! IT'S GOING TO KILL ME!

But it doesn't. It throws me in a bag. THANK FUCKING JEEBUS IT DIDN'T KILL ME!

I live in this bag for days. It sucks. The giant hand tosses in food every now and then. It's not so bad. But I miss swimming in bigger circles.

Suddenly the bag opens. Some sort of small pointy thing comes into my bag (let's be real here, it's my bag now…I don't see myself as getting to go home to my river. I'm accepting my bag.)

It smells like PEE! Oh! I love pee!

I start swimming closer to it and realize, it's a pee fountain! I can swim IN to where it's coming from. If I had a fist, I'd fistpump…

I swim up into the hole and let my barbs go. I'm living here now.

Life is good.

( . )( . ) XXX 8=====D~~~~

**Jasper's Peen's POV**

Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy. Hands. Mouth. Vagina. Pussy.

I love being a cock. I get to fuck. I may not be as big as Emmett's penis… but it's the motion in the ocean not the size of the boat you know.

I am penis, watch me grow.

Hmmm… Jasper seems to be sleeping. Weird, he hasn't done that in over 150 years. Oh well. Mhmm…. Hand, hand on me. I like hands. Bigger than I'm used to, but that's ok.

Dear mysterious hand, keep touching me, yes, oh…. Now stroke me, please, just a little. Oh! I'm inside something… its warm, and wet… but it doesn't feel like a pussy.

Mhmm… Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy….. Fish!

AHHH FISH! FISH! GET IT OUT!

Maybe if I push… and…. OW! This fish is stabbing me with it's stabby fishy evilness! Oh god, this is worse than that time I went into that Stef girl's pussy… Talk about vagina dentata!

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**A/N: **_Now for the first person (perhaps persons) who correctly guess who is who…_

_You win the amazing prize of supplying one word from Urban Dictionary to be the basis of the next chapter!_

_Woohoo! What an awesome prize?_

_Or you can tell me to STFU and NEVER WRITE ANOTHER CHAPTER OF THIS MESS!_

_(my vote is with option #2)_

_Thanks for reading!_

_I don't think you all comprehend how much I lurv you for reviewing._

_Mucho Bewbie Gropes & Tooshy Squeezes ~ MzB_

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**Now for RECs: (Obviously this means you should read&review :-P)**

Dandie Goose (who i stalk by way of devil kitty) is the shiz! Go read '_Try it, you'll like it_' because, uh, YOU'LL LIKE IT!

http : / www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/5738276/1/

Minna Koda (the one to blame for this crackfic monstrosity) is totes writing about some nommy Jasper/Bella stuff in '_Dark Temptation_' (yea it's the name of an AXE fragrance- DEAL WITH IT!)

http : / www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/6309563/1/

Nikka Bella (the most fucktabulous lezzy crush in the world) is writing about my favorite kind of man- A FIRECROTCH!- in '_Hands Open'. _And I have it on good authority that the woman knows how to make you sweat… If you know what I mean ::wink wink nudge nudge:: GO READ IT!

http : / www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/6104772/1/


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